Why ABC Announced Rachel As The Bachelorette So Early

ABC so rudely shook Bachelor Nation to its core when they announced Rachel Lindsay as the next Bachelorette on February 13th. This was controversial for a few reasons - #1 being that she is black and #2 being that she was still on the show. Considering that this was 2 weeks ago, you would have thought she went home the next episode. But, nope 2 full episodes later and she is STILL in the running and gets into the fantasy suite. 

There are a few theories that have been kicking around...

Theory 1: This season sucks.

In an effort to distract viewers from how blah this season is, ABC made the announcement to get people already thinking about what's next. Even with last season being the Jojo/Jordan show, it was still GOOD because you could see how much they actually liked each other. Nick is so hard to get a read on, you can't tell who he cares about the most (the answer is himself).

Theory 2: They want a more diverse group of guys to apply.

ABC's lack of diverse cast members on the Bachelor/Bachelorette has been a topic of discussion for years. Rachel was the first black contestant to get the first impression rose and to make it to the final four. By announcing her as the Bachelorette early, maybe ABC is hoping that more chocolate bears apply. Rachel has said that she "doesn't have a type," but she also admitted that Nick was the first white guy she brought to meet her parents. 

Theory 3 (the winner): ABC has us brainwashed.

Look, Rachel is AWESOME. When her and Nick had their one-on-one in New Orleans, it was obvious that she was way too cool for him. She's gorgeous, successful, fun, mature, etc. but for whatever reason she's still into Nick? It's clear that she has feelings for him, especially if they get it on in the fantasy suite and then he dumps her. ABC is so smart, that as soon as Nick broke up with her, they consoled her by saying "we want you to be the next Bachelorette!" And as viewers, we will watch her get her heart broken and then love her even more and look forward to watching her "journey of love." Because make no mistake about it, there is ZERO chance that the people who made this decision are idiots. They knew there would be backlash for announcing her while she was still on the show, but they also knew that it would make her more loveable to viewers. And we are so fing brainwashed that while we all bitched that it was announced early, we will still tune in. Boom, "mystery" solved.

The Perks of Breaking Your Wrist (One Word: Attention)

One Thursday in April I decided that since it was one of the first nice days of Spring, I'd skip spin and go rollerblading. I was going to be doing a rollerblade marathon in NYC in September, so I figured there was no better time to start training. I called up my friend, tied up our blades and we were on our way to rock and roll (no pun intended). I felt a little shaky but I was thinking "I got this" and then after a solid block of blading, I went down. Fucking hard. Hannah was a little bit ahead of me so when she turned around and bladed back to me she was like its ok let's just keep going. Then she rolled up my sleeve and saw this:

My wrist was a straight up noodle and was broken. We went to the emergency room, had to get escorted through a back door because all of the degenerates were mad that I was getting seen before them, got treated by 2 smoking hot doctors, and I went home with a cast that was as heavy as a bowling ball with word that I would need surgery the next week. 

Surgery went fine, blah blah, I got some pretty sweet hardware in my arm (a plate and 8 screws)

What I also got that I didn't realize was an instant conversation starter. I was in a heavy cast & a sling for 2 weeks and then after that in a light, removable splint for 4. Even though I was in pain at first and had trouble doing simple tasks, the attention that my broken wrist got from guys made it all worth it. Apparently, guys have no shame in asking "what happened to you?" and apparently, telling them I was rollerblading made me seem like the coolest person ever. One guy told me it made me go up "10 points in his book," by my count that makes me about a 13. 

With the splint now off and my wrist *almost* fully healed, I have no excuse to get sympathy from people. I could milk that shit and keep the splint on, but instead I'll move on and let the next cripple milk the attention as I weep into my hospital bills.

Blac Chyna Wants To Gain 100 Pounds While Pregnant - Thinks She Can "Snap Back" Afterwards

Source

According to E! News, Blac Chyna recently said that she wants to go HAM on food during her pregnancy and gain 100 pounds. This might be the worst thing she's ever said for a few reasons.

First & foremost, this is not a good influence for my boy Bobby. Rob was starting to get on the right track with Chyna by eating healthier and working out. This is going to be impossible to maintain when Blac Chyna is pregnant and stuffing her face with In n Out or  fatty fat fat butter-stuffed cornish game hens like she did the other day. Her wanting to gain weight is selfish and cruel towards Rob.

She also won't be able to "Snap Back" as easy as she thinks. Blac Chyna is short and short girls do not lose weight as fast as they gain it. If she gains 100 pounds she definitely won't be able to snap anything (especially her pants).

I don't put anything past the Kardashians/their SO's though so in all honesty Blac Chyna is most likely won't gain the weight and is coming out with a cookbook for pregnant people.

In the meantime, I'll keep Rob's weight in my T's and P's.

Time's List of 12 Things We're Buying More Than Ever - Some Duh's, Some Uh's

Time  compiled a list of items that Americans are buying more than ever. The list is semi-baffling, but a lot of things you're like "hmmm... I have been purchasing more of these." Here are the things we've been spending our hard earned dollhairs on more than ever:

1. Bowls - one of Time's reasons for Americans purchasing more bowls than ever is that they are "Instagram-friendly." This is sad, but true. Every time I see an acai bowl or a colorful salad I want to sprint to the closest place that sells them, snap a pic, and slap Valencia on it. But, to be honest.. bowls are convenient as well. You can easily mix up a ton of ingredients and get a flavorful bite with every forkful. 

2. Adult Diapers - I laughed out loud when I read this, but the explanation actually makes sense. According to Time, the reason is "simply that humans are living longer." Hopefully by the time I get to adult-diaper wearing age, we've found something to prevent uncontrollable bowel movements.

3. Legal Marijuana - This is a "duh." The reason that we're buying more legal marijuana is that it has only recently become so and that it is becoming legal in more states. 

4. Guns - When I saw guns on this list, I began thinking this was related to being Instagram-friendly as well. Every girl wants a picture of them at the shooting range for their Insta collection. BUT then I realized life is not all about #doingitfortheinsta and guns are a real thing that people are buying for protection. I personally am not a gun person, but with threats of stricter gun regulation and higher terrorism rates people are stocking up on these while they can. To each their own.

5. Canadian Goodies - People are just starting to realize that Canada is awesome. I realized this when I went there in 8th grade and gave my first OTPHJ on the 8 hour ride up, but others are finally catching up. This is largely in part to people traveling there more (Montreal bachelor/ette parties) and shopping online at Canadian stores (cue: Aritzia). 

6. Fast-Food Hot Dogs - uh... ew.

7. Car Leases - This is a major "duh" for me because Americans currently have the attention span of a puppy in a butterfly field. With car companies constantly coming out with newer/better vehicles and upgrades, it makes sense that people wouldn't want to fully commit to purchasing a vehicle. You're better off trading in every 2-3 lease years for the newest model, like my friend who is on her 4th Toyota Camry and I have yet to tell the difference in any of them.

8. E-Cigarettes - Another "ew." Almost as disgusting as real cigarettes, e-cigarettes are just as trashy and way more douchey. 

9. Mich-Ultras - I attribute this item's success mainly for people trying to stay skinny while sipping on beer. As fun as it is to evaluate the hops in craft beers, you're not gonna be sipping a stout come summertime when you're sitting at the beach. Mich-ultras/Corona Lights ftw.

10. Items on Mobile Devices - A major "duh." The convenience of being able to online shop safely on my phone has brought my bank account down and my style up. With most companies offering safe-ish mobile-friendly websites, it's easy to sit on the train and purchase everything you just put in your cart on Amazon.

11. High-Deductible Health Care Plans - I don't know much about this, but I thought having a high-deductible was not something you wanted? Either way, I'll save this one for the health care experts.

12. Streaming Services - Hate to say it, but I am definitely one of the Americans contributing to this statistic. I have streaming memberships to services I don't even have the app for because it's easy to justify $10 a month for something that you "might need one day bc it's the only place showing old episodes of Dawson's Creek." 


So - yes to bowls, Canadian goods, car leases, mich ultras, and mobile-shopping.

No to the rest - let's stop buying adult diapers and spend more money at Aritzia.

How to Tackle Your NCAA March Madness Bracket

One of the best times of the year (for boys) is March Madness. BUT this is also a time of year that ladies can fill out a bracket as well in order to use it as a pickup line on guys at the bar, get into something that's pretty fun, and actually have a reason to watch colleges that you haven't heard of compete for the National Championship.

The greatest part about the brackets is that it's almost better to know little to nothing than to actually know the stats of every player on every team. There has never been a documented perfect bracket. Every year, multiple crazy games happen & people are left sitting there thinking "What the hell just happened?" SO it's fun, there's no rhyme or reason, and you'll look like a cool girl when you're cheering for Weber St. (who?!) to win. Actually you probably shouldn't cheer for them since they're a 15 seed but whatever, miracles can happen.

How do you go about filling out your bracket? Here's a few helpful tips so that you don't end up with all your teams out after the first round.

1. Pick someone to be *your* team - Whether it's your alma mater, you've heard they throw sick parties, or you have a crush on Reggie Bush & know he went to USC, stick by them. Also, don't be a try-hard and pick Kansas or Kentucky to be your team (unless you went there). They're both always good and it's more fun to root for underdogs to beat them than to look like a convenient Yankee fan.

2. Take a few upsets - Don't do anything absurd, like having a 1 or 2 seed getting knocked out by 15 or 16, but it's a semi-fact that a 12 seed upsets a 5 seed occasionally. Take a 9 seed over an 8 seed or have a 6 seed going to the Final Four, etc. Basically, go crazy but don't go off the walls. If you go off the walls you'll look like the true dumb-dumb that you are about college basketball.

3. Don't get too into it - Since this is not your forte (four-tay), don't go overboard. The last thing people need to see is you wearing a custom made Stony Brook jersey when you don't even know what state the school is in. The only reason Stony Brook may sound familiar to you is because it's the town the Babysitter's Club was based on (s/o to Mallorie and her fugly red hair). It's ok to high-five your friend when something happens, but not ok to leave sobbing because your bracket is RUIIINEED.

These tips will get you through the next few weeks until you go back to not caring about college basketball and prepping your hair to look cute AF in a baseball hat for Opening  Day.

Rob Kardashian Continues To Throw His Relationship in His Family's Face

Another week (day), another strange Instagram post from Bobby K. In his latest post, he's basically telling everyone to go fuck themselves, not just his family. Blac is rocking an OBNOXIOUSLY troll-like neon green hair style which is definitely glow in the dark and napping. His use of the baby bottles leads me to think that he's a frequent nipple sucker. 

First of all, that couch looks like it is something a poor person would own. Secondly, who the hell would tell her that hair color is ok? She is definitely trying to be Nicki Minaj a la her crazy hair days: 

But Nicki manages to make it look semi fucking normal by it not being the same shade as the sticky stars that kids put on their ceiling. 

I'm happy if Rob's happy, but let's be honest... He's getting a little out of control with professing his love for Blac Chyna. We get it, you love her and milking her titties and don't give a fuck about your family. At least maintain a relationship with Mason, Penelope,and Reign.. they're cute as heck.

P.S. Ryan Downing with the ZINGAAAA "ok rob have fun making socks." Get with it Ryan, the sock business was not a success.

s/o to ShanLan 

Competitive Yoga aka Stretching for Stats

Champions of Zen? is a new-ish form of yoga in which contestants compete for a period of 3 minutes and have to complete 6 poses, each being held for at least 3 seconds. Yoga has given us a lot of really nice things, i.e. yoga pants, detoxing in hot yoga or Bikram, and looking trendy AF walking down the street with your yoga mat strapped to you. Positions are based on a 10-point scale, meaning the highest you can get is a 60. The pretentious yogi judges have not given anyone anything higher than a 42 yet.

While I love a good competition (check me on the torq board at Flywheel) this "competitive yoga" is a total oxymoron. The only reason I go to yoga is so that I can tell my doctor I'm trying things to "relax" more so he'll up my Xanax prescription. While the experts are comparing it to the likes of Crossfit, going to church, singing in a choir, etc. to me it seems more like Scientology, the Manson family, or Waco in 1993. It is basically gymnastics without the sick floor routines and the freakishly athletic gymnasts. 

I'm picturing something similar to the walk off in Zoolander and I don't think I'm wrong. 

It's taken me 25 years to learn how to touch my toes and a basement full of people stretching pretty much in the nude makes me v v uncomfortable. I hope this "trend" stays underground where it belongs. The only competition I'm entering in is a champagne off on Sundays.