Barbie's Got Some New Looks and I'm Not Sure What To Feel

Your favorite bitch on the block, Barbie has gotten some new, politically correct "friends."

Mattel has created the "Fashionista Line" that includes a wide array of ladies. They represent a number of body types & diversities, so let's take a look at the new gals in town.

First off, there is no way 16 girls would be able to all manage to successfully take a group picture together. Secondly, I find the pairings to be pretty fucking random. The only two that make sense to me are the girl in denim dress with the black girl & the top two good-two-shoes (yellow skirt, yellow necklace).There is no way the curvy, blue-haired girl and the successful-looking black woman would ever be hanging out. The Asian and the petite Latina lady? No way, no how, not ever. 

Because they are supposed to be "individuals" representing all different faces of beauty, they should be treated as such (or in duos/singles bc that's the only way I could find them)

Petite vs. Tall

 I have nothing really to say about Ms. Petite because her top knot is killing it and although I wouldn't wear that outfit, it matches and isn't heinous. Suzie Stilt-legs has got to be Jennifer Lawerence's twin right? I have serious arm envy of her & her faux-hawk is crushing it.

Original vs. Curvy

Not much to be said about the original. My only concern is that she hasn't realized that "bump-its" haven't been in since 2010. Curves is rocking her lady lumps, but the blue hair/purple sunglass combo has got to go. If you're gonna be obnoxious in your fashion statements, stick to one thing only please.

The Tall Ginge

Why anyone thought giving a girl this hair style is beyond me. Her coif is out of control. If I saw someone with this hair on the train, I'd hop off ASAP bc I'd be afraid of the number of squirrels living in it. Her outfit is OK, a little too matchy-matchy and she needs a better bra. Her boobs look saggy & I'm sure that top is not helping.

Small, Tan Girl

I'm not sure if this girl is supposed to be 12 or if she's truly reppin' all the petite ladies out there. Her hair/eye color combo is nice, but that dress looks like something I would've purchased at Weathervane.

Asian Lady

Mattel calls this girl "chic with a wink," which is a little offensive towards Azns. If this girl had two small buns & a middle part I'd be buying it more. All she needs is a Hello Kitty backpack and Gwen Stefani will cast her in "Harajuku Girls: Part 2."

So, I'm gonna go dig out my hot pink Barbie limo with the hot tub in the back and pretend I'm popping bottles cruising around Malibu. If you happen to run into the "fashionista" wearing capris, an Ed Hardy shirt, and clog heels, please take her to the nearest store and buy her a new outfit.

Craigslist Post: Girl Wants "Virtually Invisible" Housemate

Seeking room in quiet apartment with virtually invisible housemate
I'm a 38-year-old female with PTSD symptoms who writes a lot, is a homebody, and is in search of privacy, silence, and solitude in a living space that is up-to-code (I've found that that doesn't go without saying in Boston). I prefer to live alone, and have in the past, but can no longer afford to do so, and am therefore also seeking a neat, clean, mature housemate, preferably male, with a consistent, predictable schedule and needs like mine, with whom to share an apartment, condo, or upper floor of a house. I prefer to be on the top floor of the building because the sound of people living above me and the inability to see the sky from my window makes me feel claustrophobic.

Specifically, I'm looking for someone who is willing to commit to an approximate schedule for showering and preparing meals, so that we can avoid being in each other's way. Someone who never has guests. Someone who doesn't talk on the phone. Someone who agrees with me that if a door has a lock on it, it should remain closed and locked. And someone who's conscientious about energy usage -- who doesn't leave the heat turned up so high that I break a sweat when wearing a sweater in my room in January, and who doesn't turn it off altogether either. (I currently live in Allston, with one housemate who's an undergrad and another in his early twenties, who treat our ground-floor apartment like it's a barn. This includes walking around in dress shoes on our uncarpeted hardwood floors. The noise, grime, and chaos are affecting my health and productivity.) 

If you're rarely at home and fit the preceding description, we might work well together. If you're bothered by noise, such as people talking loudly on their cell phones, the clicking of keyboard keys, or chatter from a TV, and never have company, we'd probably make good housemates. If you prefer to come home from work and spend the evening relaxing in solitude and silence, and your ideal living situation is one in which you never see or hear your housemate, we'd probably be content living together.

Any location in greater Boston is acceptable, as long as it's within walking distance of a bus route or MBTA station.

While I like animals, I don't want to live with someone who has any pets because I don't want to get stuck cleaning up after or otherwise taking care of them.

If you're seeking a housemate and can relate to this ad, please contact me so we can arrange to meet and discuss a living arrangement.

There's nowhere to even begin with this Craigslist posting. While I give this chick credit for being extremely thorough, she is definitely a murderer. 
"In search of privacy, silence, and solitude in a living space that is up-to-code (I've found that doesn't go without saying in Boston). I prefer to live alone, and have in the past but can no longer afford to do so...."
Listen girl, there is no such thing as complete privacy, silence, and solitude in a place THAT YOU ARE LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. If you can't afford to live alone, but want to live with someone who barely breathes.. Move the fuck in with someone like Helen Keller (although HK was kind of a needy bitch). 
An approximate schedule? Have you ever heard of "last minute plans" or "I need to make food quickly?" That is how the majority of people live their lives. Prefer a male (most likely so you can rape them)? Never has guests? Doesn't talk on the phone? Keeps the temp at *your* perfect temperature? Rarely home? 
How can someone "rarely be home," but doesn't have friends that he or she invites over? 
Her health and productivity is being affected by being around other humans? What type of job could this girl possibly do? Also, how boring/scary does her life sound? I'm picturing someone sitting in a dark room (to conserve energy) staring out the window in her room looking at the sky? 

God help whoever moves in with this lady and God help her current roomies (she definitely has voodoo dolls of them).


P.S. I really want to know what she looks like..

Aaron Carter Tries to Stay Relevant By Bashing The Biebs

According to this article from The Huffington Post, Aaron Carter is crying because Justin Bieber's lawyer's mentioned him. Aaron Carter needs to do a LITTLE more fact checking because Biebs' camp did not mention him at all.. the interviewer did. The interviewer asked "How did Justin Bieber not turn into Aaron Carter?" Rather than bashing Aaron, the interview goes on to credit Bieber's faith, family, friends, fans, and formula (his "5 f's"). He discusses how its hard for anyone to handle such a high level of fame at a young age and that Justin definitely has had his fuckboi moments. 

Aaron's response to the article is absurd. He is like "I even tweeted at Justin to tell him that his camp had to approve that question so obviously he knew it was gonna happen, be a man." Justin hasn't responded, most likely because he is too busy FaceTiming Miranda Kerr, texting/subtweeting Selena, and going through the millions of nudes in his DMs. A few months ago, I started following Aaron Carter on twitter when I read that he was having a major twitter meltdown a la Amanda Bynes. Then I started getting scared because he was tweeting back at people who were calling him out on being a mental midget. I was nervous he was going to show up to my doorstep in a pizza delivery uniform and try to shoot me up with heroin.

The Carter family has had their fair share of tragedies, but they are largely a white-trash family from Florida who caught a break because Nick joined BSB. BSB is also so desperate that they are constantly trying to go on tour. On the other hand, NSYNC does not have to do that because they have COMMON sense and realize that their glory days are over. Except for JC, his performance at the VMA's and Lance's wedding was pathetic/sad.. you're never going to be Justin Timberlake, babe, so stop trying. 

Back to Aaron. He's supposedly dropping a new album soon so I would not be surprised if his people actually paid the interviewer to ask that question so he could be in the news again. Aaron, please go back to buying crack at the Kwik Stop & let us all listen to "Aaron's Party" in peace.

Is Blac Chyna Using Rob Kardashian to Get Back at Kylie/Tyga?

I've said it multiple times, but Rob Kardashian's well-being has been more of a concern for me than my own for quite.some.time. Rumors started surfacing recently that he was dating Blac Chyna. My original thought was that he was dating:

The O.G. Chyna. I was slightly confused, but was kinda happy because her physique/toughness could be what Bobby needs to get back in shape. After a little more research (putting Blac in front of Chyna), I realized that we were talking about this Nicki Minaj looking bitch:

And guess what? This chick is Tyga's BABY MAMA and from a few google pics good friends with Amber Rose (Kanye's ex, Whiz's baby mama, professional rapper's girlfriend). Ummm this screams Kardashian sabotage louder than Blac Chyna's fake orgasms. Blac Chyna and Kylie have been rumored to have feuded in the past over their common denominator Tyga. Which tbh, if I'm ever fighting over someone named Tyga who has face tats and looks like Timon from The Lion King, please please please shoot me. I don't think the Amber Rose thing is really a factor since wanna-be famous hoes usually stick together. 

Anyway, Blac Chyna posted a non-discrete photo of her fat head rapped around a very tattoo'd arm captioned "the beginning." The tats have been compared/found to be the same as Rob's. Kylie is allegedly LIVID and so am I. Rob is vulnerable and this bitch is stepping in when he's at his weakest to give him bomb head and make him think that he is loved. If Rob had read my post about how to get himself better in 2016 than he most likely would not be starting a relationship with someone who is ultimately going to break his poor little heart and spiral him into an even deeper depression/food pantry.

P.S. I'm confused as to how they got together since Rob literally never leaves his house? I'm ashamed of Khloe because I would think she would have strict rules about not letting ratchets into her house.

Making a Murder - Guilty or Nah?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've already heard about or watched Making a Murderer on Netflix. The 10-episode docu-series came out right around the holidays, so it gave people plenty of time to binge watch and obsess over the fascinating trials of Steven Avery and his nephew, Brendan Dassey.

Quick Recap:

Steven Avery is a man from Manitowoc County in Wisconsin. His family owns a salvage yard and were for the most part outsiders in their town. In 1985, Stevie-boy was wrongfully arrested and convicted of the rape of a woman. He had had a few run-ins with the law and was known as a bit pervy around his parts. DNA evidence exonerated him EIGHTEEN (18) years after his conviction. Since Steven spent such a large part of his life in prison, serving time for a crime he did not commit, he decided to file a civil suit and sue the fuck out of Manitowoc County and the individuals who contributed to his conviction. 

While his $36 milli suit was pending, a woman named Theresa Halbach went missing and was murdered. Interestingly enough, the last appointment that she had on October 31, 2005 was to take some photos of a vehicle on the Avery property. According to phone records, Steven had called her multiple times using *67 (shoutout prank calling) on the day she went missing. Theresa had also reportedly told one of her coworkers that he gave her the creeps and made her uncomfortable. During the search for Theresa, her Rav-4 was found deep in the Avery lot. This immediately raised suspicions. Additionally, her charred remains were found (much later) in a burn pit on the property. More than four months after her death, a key to her vehicle was found in Steven's trailer. One of Steven's nephews, Brendan Dassey, admitted to police after hours of questioning that he had helped Steven rape, murder, and burn the body of Theresa Halbach. These factors gave law enforcement enough to arrest Steven for Theresa's disappearance and murder. 

The majority of Brendan's statement to police was recorded and it is evident that Brendan is not the brightest bulb in the bunch. Brendan is also arrested and charged with Theresa's murder. Steven & Brendan are both convicted separately on the charges and sentenced to life in prison. 

Fishy evidence, the belief that Brendan was coerced into his statement, and Steven's lawsuit against the County and its officials contribute to a number of people thinking that Steven & Brendan were framed. Steven has maintained his innocence since his conviction and has been fighting to get his conviction appealed. 

Did he/they do it?: 

I honestly do not think that Brendan had anything to do with the murder of Theresa Halbach. I think he was a feeble-minded 16 year old who wanted to say anything that would get him out of the police station and back to school to present his 6th period project. Brendan's conversations with his mother and police are almost heartbreaking to watch, but they are more than entertaining. 

As for Steven Avery, I do not think that they had enough evidence to prove "beyond reasonable doubt." A lot of the evidence used in the trial seemed shady. BUT with that being said, I think Steven Avery did murder Theresa Halbach. Steven was most likely fucked up in the head from being in prison for so long. He had been hanging with rapists, murderers, and other hard criminals for so long, that I think he no longer knew right from wrong. On top of that, Steven's girlfriend at the time, Jodie, was in the middle of serving a 7-month sentence for a DUI conviction. Steven was probably horny, realized Theresa was way better looking than Jodie, and found the opportunity to get her into his trailer and do horrible things to her. Steven's past of jerking off on his cousin's car and having sex on his front lawn do not do him any favors. Also, the below note from Steven to his former wife while he was originally in jail show a dark side of Steven that he tries to hide by being so dumb.

Normal people do not write shit like that. Bottom line - I think Steven did it but that it was not proved beyond reasonable doubt. I don't think Brendan had anything to do with it because he changed his statement so many times. 

Take-aways: 

-Manitowoc is definitely not a place I would have wanted to grow up in or ever want to visit. It seems poor, depressing, and makes me feel grateful as hell that I grew up in the Northeast where we know how to form coherent sentences and have a general idea of what hygiene is.

-What the fuck kind of person does not own ANY underwear!? In Steven's first case, his lawyer states that the victim of the rape stated that her assailant had on white underwear. According to the lawyer, this is deemed impossible because Steven does not own any underwear. Oh, and they proved this. They searched his house and found no underwear whatsoever. I get preferring not to wear underwear, but not owning any is straight up psychopath behavior.

-Brendan has the IQ of a rock. Really, that's being generous - a rock may have a higher IQ. Some of my favorite lines from Brendan:

Police Officer: Do you have any weapons on you?

Brendan: I mean, just my CD player.

Brendan (to his mom): Ma, they're saying my statements is inconsistent.. What does in-kon-siss-tent mean?

Mom: Well, I don't know.

Brendan: Do you think I can get (back to school) by 1:29? I have a project due in 6th period.

Just a few to show Brendan's naivety when it comes to telling police he just helped rape/murder a woman.

-If Steven Avery can find love, why can't I? I do not understand people who date people serving time in prison. If Steven has a biddy, I want a bae.

-Mike Halbach is annoying. The "spokesperson" for the Halbach family does nothing but suck the media's dick and make statements that he can't back up.

-Allen Avery (Steven's dad) has the greenest thumb of anyone I've ever seen. In the last episode, he's showing off his garden. That motherfucker has lettuce, cucumbers, asparagus, and literally every other vegetable/green that you can think of. Teach me your ways, Mr. Avery. Not really, but make a YouTube tutorial on how to grow things because I actually don't want to go anywhere near you. 

There is so much more to take away from this series. 

Anyways, watch it, kinda laugh, kinda feel uncomfortable, kinda cry.

The Stages of Group Texts

Group texts are one of the best things and worst things to come out of smartphones. They're a great way to keep in touch, but if you're not in the mood for them you want to stop being friends with all of your friends. 

Thoughts:

Initial thought, ugh I'm so popular, people won't stop blowing me up, it's hard being me, etc.

But when you come back from a meeting and see a million messages you first think: did somebody die? fuck, what did i do? then you look down and see that it's all from the same group of people and are like:

Guyyyys I'm busy, please shut the fuck up. My boss already thinks I do nothing and now when he hears my phone buzzing every .2 seconds he's gonna KNOW that I do nothing. I don't have time for this and I don't care about anything that you're saying! Exclude me please!! In comes the life-saving somehow just added feature

So clutch when you want to take a nap and the group text won't stop. Then you wake up and try to catch up and are like

Helllppppp! I'm drowning & whenever I scroll up far/fast enough somebody replies and I get sent right back to the bottom. I'm finally ready to contribute. Guys? I'm ready to contribute please think I'm funny and read what I'm writing... GuyysSss???

STOP everything! Selena Gomez & Taylor Swift Worked Out Together

According to ETOnline, Selena Gomez & Taylor Swift came out of Body by Simone "sweaty" but still looking "flawless." Let's get one thing straight - Taylor Swift most definitely does not need to be going to these classes. Girlfriend looks like a Paper Doll standing up. 

There is one thing that we can get out of this, though...

TSwift and Selena both have to have their eyebrows penciled in as well. 

Long live the eyebrow pencil, hopefully short live Tay's side bangs.

90s Songs You Didn't Know Were About F*cked Up Stuff

The 90s were a time of our teenage angst and (ugh) puberty. There were songs that we used to jam out to that we didn't even know were about real life issues/fucked up shit that we'd never heard of. 

Case in point:

Third-Eye Blind - Semi-Charmed Life

I remember when my brother was like six or seven he used to rock the fuck out to this song. I don't blame him one bit, catchy beat and lyrics that go pretty fast so you can pull off not fully knowing what they are. A few years ago, we were listening to it and he said "did you know this song is about crystal meth?" I started looking up the lyrics and realized it talked about wayyyy too many things that a 7 year old should not be singing.

"She comes round and she goes down on me" - A nice way of saying "she comes over and sucks my dick." 

"Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break" - I mean this doesn't even try to sugar coat talking about crystal meth. My only knowledge of crystal meth is that Walter White cooked it and that usually people pick their faces off when they're on it. Not really something I'd like to mess around with.

"And then I bumped up/I took the hit that I was given/then I bumped again/And then I bumped again/How do I get back to the place where I fell asleep inside you?" - So we got two things going on here. Cocaine and falling asleep inside of a girl. Bumps, sex, and sleep-sex... Sounds like a typical Saturday night after Royale. 

Doo doo doo doo da doo doo

Ben Folds Five - Brick 

I used to listen to this song when I was sad. It reminded me of a cold, rainy day for whatever reason. Oh ya know probably because it's about a freezing day after Christmas & a guy driving his girlfriend to get an abortion! 

"They call her name at 7:30

I pace around the parking lot

Then I walk down, to buy her flowers

And sell some gifts that I got"

So so depressing. The guy had to sell his Christmas presents to fund his girlfriend's abortion. What's even more depressing? They both kind of hate each other afterwards.

"Driving back to her apartment

And for the moment we're alone

But she's alone

And I'm alone

And now we know it"

This song is indirect but Ben of Ben Folds Five has been pretty open and honest on what it's about. 

Verve Pipe - The Freshmen

Another song that I used to always listen to and still love. Similar to "Brick," Verve Pipe's "The Freshmen" is about abortion... but this song takes it one step further. 

"Now I'm guilt-stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor

Stoppin' baby's breath and a shoe full of rice, no"

This is much less indirect than "Brick." Stopping a baby's breath is just straight up mentioning the abortion. Alas, it gets worse/sadder.

"My best friend took a week's worth vacation to forget her

His girl took a week's worth of Valium and slept 

And now he's guilt-stricken, sobbing with his head on the floor

Thinks about her now and how he never really wept, he says"

Again, an abortion tearing a couple apart, but in a much more drastic way. Instead of being able to deal with getting an abortion, the boy goes on vacation and the girl kills herself. Now he feels even more guilt and she's gone. Nothing light about this.

While we were dealing with how to sort our AIM buddy lists, it would appear that 90s rockers were dealing with drugs, abortions, and suicides. Happy Friday!!

What is Kefir Beer & Should We Be Drinking It?

According to a recent study, there are potentially some major health benefits to a type of beer called Kefir. Kefir beer is made from fermented milk (ew) and resembles yogurt (ew again). This new study which was conducted on rats showed that it greatly decreased inflammatory levels in the rats and almost completely eliminated ulcers. 

While these are all great things, unless you're a rat, have inflammatory issues, or major ulcers, you should most definitely not be drinking Kefir beer. Also, this study is "very preliminary," meaning, the scientists most likely don't know what the fuck they're talking about it.

Bottom line - avoid this milk/yogurt like drink and pick up a glass of red. After all, the studies on red wine are a little more developed and won't leave you feeling like a kefir heffer.


Kefir Source

Shows to Watch with your S.O. (or by yourself too)

Agreeing upon shows to watch with your boyfriend can be a never-ending battle. If you have a nice boy, he'll suffer through hours of Nashville just because he knows how much you love it. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. This list of shows will keep both you & your man happy and entertained.

 The Leftovers (HBO) 

The second season of HBO's The Leftovers just ended, so if you haven't started it you have between now and October-ish to watch the first two seasons. Season 1 takes place in the made up town of Mapelton, NY. The world is shook on October 14, 2011 when 2% of the world's population suddenly disappear. The day comes to be known as "The Departure." Instead of focusing on what happened to the people who disappeared, the show focuses on the people left on Earth and how they are dealing with it. Season 2 takes place in the town of Miracle, Texas, a place where there were no Departures on October 14, 2011. The place was renamed miracle from Jardin and thousands of people are desperate to move there because they think it is a safe space. There is mystery, excitement, sex, violence, and some slight humor in this show. Plus you get to see Justin Theroux shirtless and Liv Tyler get beat up a lot so that's a win-win. 

Mr. Robot (USA) 

When someone first told me to watch this show, my immediate response back was "NOPE!" I am so not into robots and was extremely turned off by the fact that this was a name of a show. BUT after doing a little research about what it was actually about, I decided to give it a shot. The show surrounds genius hacker Elliot and his complicated life. He's a drug addict, a schizophrenic, and has an IQ of about a billion so you can imagine that he's got a lot of shit going on. The show has crazy twists and awesome cinematography and it'll keep you on the edge of your seat. You'll have major hair/skin envy of Angela and develop a sneaky crush on Elliot. You and your boo can bond over the mind-blowing twists that this series offers. 

American Crime (ABC)

I wasn't lucky enough to catch the buzz of American Crime's first season (can't seem to find it anywhere), but Season 2 just kicked off last week and I am already hooked. Fortunately, season 1 and 2 are completely different story lines (think The Awakening, American Horror Story), so there is no need to play catch up. Season 2 is about an elite private school with a championship basketball team. At one of the team's party's, a not-so-popular kid was drugged and raped by at least 1 or more members of the team. As we know from Gossip Girl, elite private schools will do almost anything to try to hide a scandal, so watching the boy's mother try to do anything to get justice for her son is heart-wrenching. Everyone loves a good crime show & this one will keep you both happy.

The Challenge: Bloodlines (MTV)

If you're not watching The Challenge: Bloodlines on MTV you are seriously missing out and I don't want to know you. The Challenge is fun to watch with your boy because you guys can laugh at the hilarious antics of all the cast members and root for whatever team you want to win. Yes, The Challenge has been on forever and we are confused about wtf Bananas and Aneesa do for a living when they aren't competing on Challenges. This season, the crazies are in Turkey and had to bring along a family member to team up with (or so they thought). A few episodes in, TJ drops a bomb that the family members will now be split up. There are drunk fights, sober fights, hook ups, and people doing crazy things for a chance to win $300,000. Maybe I'm crazy, but that does not seem like enough money for me to eat cockroaches and almost die from scaling buildings. P.S. Abe is the reason I have nightmares

How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions (for more than a month)

January 4, 2016

The few days after New Year's Eve go hand in hand with feelings of shame, feeling of hope for the upcoming year, and a hangover or two. Most people head into the New Year with resolutions and end up breaking them as soon as someone at the bar yells "SHOTS!"

Here's a realistic way to keep/maintain your resolutions for 2016.

1. Write it Down - Write that shit down in as many places as you can. Anywhere that you can, list your goals and when/why you want to achieve them. This way, instead of tucking it away in a notebook, you can visually see your goals listed in places that you look every day. 

2. Avoid Words Like Never, Always, Ever, Etc. - Realize that you can't completely change overnight. By using words such as Never, Always, Ever, etc. you are setting yourself up for failure. Instead of listing STOP blacking out completely as your goal, change it to a more realistic "less frequent blackouts." 

3. Be Realistic - There is nothing worse than setting yourself up for failure. A great way to avoid this is to be realistic. It's great to be ambitious, but like I said before, realize you can't completely change over night. The best part about this is that you can re-evaluate in a few months or at the halfway mark. If something isn't working, change the goal - don't give up on it! 

4. Grab a Friend - Buddy Up! By hanging with someone with similar goals for the year, you'll be able to motivate each other. It's important for friends to understand that you aren't being a bitch because you don't want to go out to dinner, but that you're trying to save and still love them lots. A buddy is important because on days when you literally can't even, they'll tell you to step it the fuck up. What if there's a day when you're both not into it? Go for a walk together instead or go grab some juice/green tea so that you don't feel guilty. 

5. Reward Yourself - When you reach certain milestones, give yourself a pat on the back and also treat yo' self. Resolutions aren't about limiting yourself, they are about making you a better person. If your goal is to go to x number of workout classes per week, reward yourself at the 10 week mark or so with a massage, new pair of (smaller sized) lulus, or an extra glass of wine. This will make you realize that your hard work is worth it.