The Perks of Breaking Your Wrist (One Word: Attention)

One Thursday in April I decided that since it was one of the first nice days of Spring, I'd skip spin and go rollerblading. I was going to be doing a rollerblade marathon in NYC in September, so I figured there was no better time to start training. I called up my friend, tied up our blades and we were on our way to rock and roll (no pun intended). I felt a little shaky but I was thinking "I got this" and then after a solid block of blading, I went down. Fucking hard. Hannah was a little bit ahead of me so when she turned around and bladed back to me she was like its ok let's just keep going. Then she rolled up my sleeve and saw this:

My wrist was a straight up noodle and was broken. We went to the emergency room, had to get escorted through a back door because all of the degenerates were mad that I was getting seen before them, got treated by 2 smoking hot doctors, and I went home with a cast that was as heavy as a bowling ball with word that I would need surgery the next week. 

Surgery went fine, blah blah, I got some pretty sweet hardware in my arm (a plate and 8 screws)

What I also got that I didn't realize was an instant conversation starter. I was in a heavy cast & a sling for 2 weeks and then after that in a light, removable splint for 4. Even though I was in pain at first and had trouble doing simple tasks, the attention that my broken wrist got from guys made it all worth it. Apparently, guys have no shame in asking "what happened to you?" and apparently, telling them I was rollerblading made me seem like the coolest person ever. One guy told me it made me go up "10 points in his book," by my count that makes me about a 13. 

With the splint now off and my wrist *almost* fully healed, I have no excuse to get sympathy from people. I could milk that shit and keep the splint on, but instead I'll move on and let the next cripple milk the attention as I weep into my hospital bills.

Blac Chyna Wants To Gain 100 Pounds While Pregnant - Thinks She Can "Snap Back" Afterwards

Source

According to E! News, Blac Chyna recently said that she wants to go HAM on food during her pregnancy and gain 100 pounds. This might be the worst thing she's ever said for a few reasons.

First & foremost, this is not a good influence for my boy Bobby. Rob was starting to get on the right track with Chyna by eating healthier and working out. This is going to be impossible to maintain when Blac Chyna is pregnant and stuffing her face with In n Out or  fatty fat fat butter-stuffed cornish game hens like she did the other day. Her wanting to gain weight is selfish and cruel towards Rob.

She also won't be able to "Snap Back" as easy as she thinks. Blac Chyna is short and short girls do not lose weight as fast as they gain it. If she gains 100 pounds she definitely won't be able to snap anything (especially her pants).

I don't put anything past the Kardashians/their SO's though so in all honesty Blac Chyna is most likely won't gain the weight and is coming out with a cookbook for pregnant people.

In the meantime, I'll keep Rob's weight in my T's and P's.

Time's List of 12 Things We're Buying More Than Ever - Some Duh's, Some Uh's

Time  compiled a list of items that Americans are buying more than ever. The list is semi-baffling, but a lot of things you're like "hmmm... I have been purchasing more of these." Here are the things we've been spending our hard earned dollhairs on more than ever:

1. Bowls - one of Time's reasons for Americans purchasing more bowls than ever is that they are "Instagram-friendly." This is sad, but true. Every time I see an acai bowl or a colorful salad I want to sprint to the closest place that sells them, snap a pic, and slap Valencia on it. But, to be honest.. bowls are convenient as well. You can easily mix up a ton of ingredients and get a flavorful bite with every forkful. 

2. Adult Diapers - I laughed out loud when I read this, but the explanation actually makes sense. According to Time, the reason is "simply that humans are living longer." Hopefully by the time I get to adult-diaper wearing age, we've found something to prevent uncontrollable bowel movements.

3. Legal Marijuana - This is a "duh." The reason that we're buying more legal marijuana is that it has only recently become so and that it is becoming legal in more states. 

4. Guns - When I saw guns on this list, I began thinking this was related to being Instagram-friendly as well. Every girl wants a picture of them at the shooting range for their Insta collection. BUT then I realized life is not all about #doingitfortheinsta and guns are a real thing that people are buying for protection. I personally am not a gun person, but with threats of stricter gun regulation and higher terrorism rates people are stocking up on these while they can. To each their own.

5. Canadian Goodies - People are just starting to realize that Canada is awesome. I realized this when I went there in 8th grade and gave my first OTPHJ on the 8 hour ride up, but others are finally catching up. This is largely in part to people traveling there more (Montreal bachelor/ette parties) and shopping online at Canadian stores (cue: Aritzia). 

6. Fast-Food Hot Dogs - uh... ew.

7. Car Leases - This is a major "duh" for me because Americans currently have the attention span of a puppy in a butterfly field. With car companies constantly coming out with newer/better vehicles and upgrades, it makes sense that people wouldn't want to fully commit to purchasing a vehicle. You're better off trading in every 2-3 lease years for the newest model, like my friend who is on her 4th Toyota Camry and I have yet to tell the difference in any of them.

8. E-Cigarettes - Another "ew." Almost as disgusting as real cigarettes, e-cigarettes are just as trashy and way more douchey. 

9. Mich-Ultras - I attribute this item's success mainly for people trying to stay skinny while sipping on beer. As fun as it is to evaluate the hops in craft beers, you're not gonna be sipping a stout come summertime when you're sitting at the beach. Mich-ultras/Corona Lights ftw.

10. Items on Mobile Devices - A major "duh." The convenience of being able to online shop safely on my phone has brought my bank account down and my style up. With most companies offering safe-ish mobile-friendly websites, it's easy to sit on the train and purchase everything you just put in your cart on Amazon.

11. High-Deductible Health Care Plans - I don't know much about this, but I thought having a high-deductible was not something you wanted? Either way, I'll save this one for the health care experts.

12. Streaming Services - Hate to say it, but I am definitely one of the Americans contributing to this statistic. I have streaming memberships to services I don't even have the app for because it's easy to justify $10 a month for something that you "might need one day bc it's the only place showing old episodes of Dawson's Creek." 


So - yes to bowls, Canadian goods, car leases, mich ultras, and mobile-shopping.

No to the rest - let's stop buying adult diapers and spend more money at Aritzia.

How to Tackle Your NCAA March Madness Bracket

One of the best times of the year (for boys) is March Madness. BUT this is also a time of year that ladies can fill out a bracket as well in order to use it as a pickup line on guys at the bar, get into something that's pretty fun, and actually have a reason to watch colleges that you haven't heard of compete for the National Championship.

The greatest part about the brackets is that it's almost better to know little to nothing than to actually know the stats of every player on every team. There has never been a documented perfect bracket. Every year, multiple crazy games happen & people are left sitting there thinking "What the hell just happened?" SO it's fun, there's no rhyme or reason, and you'll look like a cool girl when you're cheering for Weber St. (who?!) to win. Actually you probably shouldn't cheer for them since they're a 15 seed but whatever, miracles can happen.

How do you go about filling out your bracket? Here's a few helpful tips so that you don't end up with all your teams out after the first round.

1. Pick someone to be *your* team - Whether it's your alma mater, you've heard they throw sick parties, or you have a crush on Reggie Bush & know he went to USC, stick by them. Also, don't be a try-hard and pick Kansas or Kentucky to be your team (unless you went there). They're both always good and it's more fun to root for underdogs to beat them than to look like a convenient Yankee fan.

2. Take a few upsets - Don't do anything absurd, like having a 1 or 2 seed getting knocked out by 15 or 16, but it's a semi-fact that a 12 seed upsets a 5 seed occasionally. Take a 9 seed over an 8 seed or have a 6 seed going to the Final Four, etc. Basically, go crazy but don't go off the walls. If you go off the walls you'll look like the true dumb-dumb that you are about college basketball.

3. Don't get too into it - Since this is not your forte (four-tay), don't go overboard. The last thing people need to see is you wearing a custom made Stony Brook jersey when you don't even know what state the school is in. The only reason Stony Brook may sound familiar to you is because it's the town the Babysitter's Club was based on (s/o to Mallorie and her fugly red hair). It's ok to high-five your friend when something happens, but not ok to leave sobbing because your bracket is RUIIINEED.

These tips will get you through the next few weeks until you go back to not caring about college basketball and prepping your hair to look cute AF in a baseball hat for Opening  Day.

Rob Kardashian Continues To Throw His Relationship in His Family's Face

Another week (day), another strange Instagram post from Bobby K. In his latest post, he's basically telling everyone to go fuck themselves, not just his family. Blac is rocking an OBNOXIOUSLY troll-like neon green hair style which is definitely glow in the dark and napping. His use of the baby bottles leads me to think that he's a frequent nipple sucker. 

First of all, that couch looks like it is something a poor person would own. Secondly, who the hell would tell her that hair color is ok? She is definitely trying to be Nicki Minaj a la her crazy hair days: 

But Nicki manages to make it look semi fucking normal by it not being the same shade as the sticky stars that kids put on their ceiling. 

I'm happy if Rob's happy, but let's be honest... He's getting a little out of control with professing his love for Blac Chyna. We get it, you love her and milking her titties and don't give a fuck about your family. At least maintain a relationship with Mason, Penelope,and Reign.. they're cute as heck.

P.S. Ryan Downing with the ZINGAAAA "ok rob have fun making socks." Get with it Ryan, the sock business was not a success.

s/o to ShanLan 

Competitive Yoga aka Stretching for Stats

Champions of Zen? is a new-ish form of yoga in which contestants compete for a period of 3 minutes and have to complete 6 poses, each being held for at least 3 seconds. Yoga has given us a lot of really nice things, i.e. yoga pants, detoxing in hot yoga or Bikram, and looking trendy AF walking down the street with your yoga mat strapped to you. Positions are based on a 10-point scale, meaning the highest you can get is a 60. The pretentious yogi judges have not given anyone anything higher than a 42 yet.

While I love a good competition (check me on the torq board at Flywheel) this "competitive yoga" is a total oxymoron. The only reason I go to yoga is so that I can tell my doctor I'm trying things to "relax" more so he'll up my Xanax prescription. While the experts are comparing it to the likes of Crossfit, going to church, singing in a choir, etc. to me it seems more like Scientology, the Manson family, or Waco in 1993. It is basically gymnastics without the sick floor routines and the freakishly athletic gymnasts. 

I'm picturing something similar to the walk off in Zoolander and I don't think I'm wrong. 

It's taken me 25 years to learn how to touch my toes and a basement full of people stretching pretty much in the nude makes me v v uncomfortable. I hope this "trend" stays underground where it belongs. The only competition I'm entering in is a champagne off on Sundays.

Spring Shoes You Need In Your Life

Since it's been feeling like Spring, it's a good time to talk about how to deal with the transition from boots to sandals. It's an awkward transition and difficult to keep track of what's appropriate.. can you wear spring booties in 70 degree weather? I mean, you could, but your feet will most likely ended up sweaty and smelly. Is it ok to wear your Rainbows when it's 40 degrees and raining? Definitely not.

Luckily.. there are shoes for all types of weather to make you look season-appropriate without looking like a dick.

Valentino "Rockstud" Ballet Flats for $745 these bad boys can be yours. The nude color makes them wearable in the spring/summer and the studs add an extra edge to your outfit. If you don't feel like dropping half your rent on a pair, there are cheaper options at Charlotte Russe (super cheap) or Halogen.

Jeffrey Campbell 'Atsuko' Lace Up Flats - These suede-y beauties are only around $100.00. There are a million other versions because this is one of the major spring shoe fashion trends for 2016. The lace-up effect makes your foot appear narrower aka more lady-like. Unfortunately, if you have cankles, these are probably not the best look. BUT paired with a romper or ankle pants these shoes are classy without being boring. 

BP. Slingback Peep Toe Wedge - An almost full coverage wedge is the perfect way to transition from booties to sandals. The peep toe lets you show off your pedicure and people don't have to see your pasty foot.


Chuck Taylor All Star Iridescent Brea - Darties and Sunday Fundays are difficult to dress for. You want to look cute but also want to look like you DGAF. Chuck Taylors allow you to do so and are not fugly sneaks that make you look like you're modeling Sketchers 'shape ups.' This iridescent pattern is spring-like and fresh, unlike the all white's that you have to worry about the dirt and grime that come from an all day soiree.


Steve Madden 'Excel' Slip-On Sneaker - Another way to approach the next roof deck party is with slip-on sneakers. While normally these make me think of geriatric patients, many shoe companies are finding ways to make them cute & comfortable. The faux leather and crochet-like detail on the Steve Maddens make the shoe stylish. TheseBetsey Johnson 'SB-EVE' slip-ons are another fun way to put some slip-ons on. Who doesn't love Gold Glitter?

While you're working on grooming your pedis for sandal season, all of these options will take you from winter to spring to summer in the most stylish fashion.

My Favorite Kardashian Admits Blac Chyna Has Turned Him Against His Family

Sweet dreams are made of Rob. Bobby has decided to continue on his journey towards completely sabotaging his relationship with his family. In his latest Instagram post, Rob posted "When the pussy so good but your family don't like her so you drop your family and become an orphan (insert 3 smiley faces)" and a caption of 2 crying face emojis. 

There is no shame in Rob's game and I absolutely love it. If Kendall or Kylie even think about posting a photo or a tweet with bad lighting, Mama Kris has her PR team all over it faster than you can screenshot a SnapChat. On the other hand, Rob leaves this up with no sign of taking down. Snaps for Rob. 

P.S. I gotta know what Blac Chyna's doing so well to be making people want to abandon their families.

P.P.S. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a plotline on KUWTK where they stage an intervention with Rob and the whole family makes up while Kourtney and Scott get married.

Rihanna's "Higher" On Repeat

Rihanna's new album Anti is crazy good. Mostly slow jams with a few songs like "Work" mixed in. Far and away, the best song on the album is "Higher." It's soulful and kind of angry but still fun.

I can't stop listening and get excited whenever I start hearing her singing "this whiskey got me feeling pretty" 

It makes me want to bust out that bottle of whiskey I bought almost 2 years ago and jam out. Whiskey doesn't go bad, right?

Only complaint? The song is only two minutes and leaves me wanting more.

Rihanna > Beyonce

A "Possible" Benson-Stabler Reunion Has Me Feeling Some Type of Way

Benson-Stabler Reunion

Almost everyone is at least a casual fan of SVU. It's one of those shows that is literally always on & even if you've seen the episode you almost always forget how the episode went until 52 minutes in when you're like "ohhhhh yeah, the brother killed the mom because he was in love with the dad." 

When Stabler (Chris Meloni) abruptly left the show after the 12th season I was confused, unsatisfied, and wanted him back. I'm sure Olivia Benson (Mariska Hargitay) was feeling the same way. They were the ultimate detective duo who supported each other both on and off duty. Their sexual tension level was on a milli and they never even kissed on the show. 

I thought for sure something was gonna happen when O was checking up on Stabes while he was undercover and had to pretend that they had just fucked. 

Stabler is legit the ultimate man with his rockin' bod, hot temper, and sneaky soft side. Following their relationship was like watching an office flirtation, but with better-looking people in dominant roles. 

Apparently, Stabler left because of contract negotiations with NBC (kinda selfish). This meant that his character was not given a proper goodbye and him and Olivia never got to relieve their palpable sexual tension. 

Since his departure, Olivia has been promoted, had a failed relationship, adopted a child, and been held hostage/kidnapped multiple times. The only person who has stayed faithful to her is Iced-T, who's character is turning out to be a lazy man-child. 

Stabler needs to be her knight in shining armor and return for at least one episode of the final season next year. I'm sure his 4-5 kids are all grown up now and I doubt his marriage to Kathy stayed in tact (the Unstablers is more like it), this makes him a perfect candidate to be the one guy to finally lock Olivia down. They could rekindle the flame after she calls him to help with a case similar to an old one that they worked on, sparking romantic feelings. Noah could use a father and Olivia could use a dick so if NBC doesn't make this happen I'll cry.

P.S. Not really sure what Christopher Meloni has been up to since the show besides appearing in a few episodes of True Blood. All I know is if his bod still looks like this I'll be in cable-tv heaven.

Neutral Nails: Definite Do

Whether you're an at home manicurist or have your nail tech on speed dial, choosing the perfect nail color is a major, two-week commitment. French tips are very 2005 and bold colors should be reserved for special occasions and rave-goers. 
A non-boring neutral is clutch to looking polished & trendy. 

Perfectly Picked (Essie): 

This cross between tan and brown will go with any outfit and still gives a pop that makes it noticeable that you're wearing something on your fingers. If it chips nobody will really notice until you go home and can re-apply. 

Iceberg Gray (Formula X): 

I am more than obsessed with the look of light gray nails. They're different and perfect for this time of year when you're SAD is kicking in hard. Looks great on all skin tones & will be sure to get a ton of compliments

Nude Stilettos (Butter London): 

With a touch of pink and a lot of nude, this is a color you can't go wrong with. If there's a reason you can justify the 10 different nude heels in your closet, you can easily justify rocking this color.

She Wolf (Deborah Lippman): 

If you want something with a little extra pop that's not too in-your-face, this is the perfect color. It's taupe shade will be noticeable on your nails, without distracting from whatever it is you're presenting, typing, holding. Looks perfect wrapped around a Starbucks Americano.

Four gorgeous shades that will keep you looking fresh every season. Whoever said neutrals were boring obviously had no sense of style.

Zika Virus: To Be Nervous or Not To Be

In 2014, we were all scared as shit about Ebola. Massive amounts of people in Africa died from Ebola and a few people in the U.S. did as well. This year, the latest viral virus taking over the news is Zika. I normally don't let myself get too hyped up about things like this (the less you know the better), but it's good to be a little informed if you want to know what to be afraid of and/or how to sound like you know what you're talking about when you're telling everyone "not to be worried."

Where's it come from?

Similar to the West Nile Virus and yellow fever, Zika comes from those annoying fuckers called mosquitoes. The virus gets its name from the Zika Forest in Uganda where it was first isolated in 1947. Until 2016, Zika was typically only a problem along the equator (aka the disease strip) in Asia & Africa. 

Why now?

The virus started getting out of control in April 2015 in Brazil and began spreading to the other countries in South/Central America and the Caribbeans. Researchers on the strain of the virus believe it came from French Polynesia during the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Yesterday, the World Health Organization (WHO) declared it an international health concern, so naturally everyone is talking about it. It has officially entered the U.S. (mainly in the southeast, think *swamp land*) and is now getting people extra nervous.

How do you get it? 

Asian Tiger Mosquitoes are the major carrier of the Zika virus. If a person is bit by one of these blood suckers carrying the virus, he/she is likely to get it. It can also be passed on by a pregnant to her child.

Symptoms???

Only about 1 in 5 people infected with the virus get sick. Good news! You could have it & not even know!! Symptoms include fever, rash, joint pain, and conjunctivitis (ew). These are basically all the symptoms that a hungover person feels waking up in a random's apartment.

Should We Be Scared? 

For the most part, nope. Since the virus is mainly found in swampy, warm areas, we up here in the Northeast don't have much to worry about. We can be thankful for the chilly weather and its ability to be a place where mosquitoes don't want to live. 

So for now just continue Web MD'ing your symptoms until you've convinced yourself you have the disease and use it as an excuse to see your doctor to refill your adderall prescriptions.

Does Cleveland Browns' Statement Mean Johnny Manziel Has To Stop Partying???

The Cleveland Browns just issued this statement about the status of Johnny Manziel's career with the team. Career is an overstatement and the answer is NO. Johnny Manziel does not need to stop partying. 

Johnny gained fame by being the first freshman to win the Heisman Trophy with Texas A&M. Since then he's been blast into the spotlight, partying with Drake and other celebs and dating/doing Instagram models. Johnny has started/played in a limited number of games during his "career" with the Browns. If anything, he has given the team more publicity with people tuning in to see if he'll play, let alone if he'll show up/be sober. 

Last year, Johnny did a stint in rehab in an attempt to clean up his act. Clearly this did not work because this season he's still been partying his ass off. 

Johnny does not need to stop partying. What he needs to do is give up the NFL dream (his skills do not translate to pro level) and make partying his professional career. 

Here's what Johnny's life timeline should be like:

2016- Retire from the NFL. Nothing better than quitting before you can get fired. 

2016/2017- Attempt to be a college football analyst

2017- Start "hosting" Vegas parties a la Scott Disick. Get paid to party? Yup!

2020- Go on celebrity Big Brother.. get his name back out there and let everyone see that he's still the hot mess that they know and love

2023- Get a DUI. No such thing as bad publicity, gotta keep the name out there.

2024- Go on celebrity Rehab. Have a few relapses, eventually sober up.

2026- Marry a yoga instructor and start working on owning a spiritual/rehab retreat.

If Johnny follows the above steps, he'll be able to maintain his party boy status for the next 9 years or so and then become rich off of "healing" people. #you'rewelcome in advance baby boy.

Article About Ways Companies Can Attract Female Employees Makes About 50% Sense

This article called "5 Ways Companies Can Attract More Women Aside From Freezing Their Eggs" came to fruition after Facebook & Apple offered to freeze female employees' eggs (up to $20,000) for non-medical reasons. The companies pitch this as something that is beneficial for employees looking to use surrogates, fertility treatments, etc. but it really looks like a way to keep female employees working hard while they're young & have energy to work 20+ hour days. That way their yolks can be frozen until someone younger with higher energy can come in and replace them. 

The article points out other ways to attract more female employees, instead of just letting them freeze their eggs & work their butts off until their ready to defrost. While some advice the article make sense, the majority of them are just common sense tools that most HR departments should be aware of when trying to attract any employee (male or female).

Advice #1: Flexible Schedules
Newsflash: This isn't a way to attract female employees, but a way to attract employees all around. I'm 100% into the idea that as long as you get all of your work done in a timely manner, you shouldn't have to stick to a "schedule." Example: You're a morning person? Come in at 7, work til 3-4, check emails again at 6 or so and you're golden. Night person? Come in 10-7. 
Doctors offices and places like the DMV are only open during regular business hours. If you're on a typical schedule you have to take a half day or a full day just to get some of your life shit done. Flexibility is key (until people take advantage of it).

Advice #2: Women in Leadership Positions
If women want to be treated equally in the workplace, this "advice" shouldn't exist. The only people in leadership positions should be the people that deserve to be there. Leadership = Experience x Drive x Opportunity.

Advice #3: Offer Paternity Leave
Let's just make sure that the kid is taken care of and that neither parent is feeling overwhelmed/overworked. If a mom only wants to take 2 weeks maternity leave, let her. If a dad wants to take a couple weeks, let him. Not really sure this classifies as advice, more just common sense.

Advice #4: Excising Sexism in the Workplace 
Pretty sure this is never going to 100% happen, so companies shouldn't use it as a selling point on attracting employees. Attractive, well-spoken people get ahead. Not saying you need to look like Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Aniston, just be put together and know how to hold a conversation with everyone from the CEO to the Janitor. 

Advice #5: Let Women Empower Company Culture
Eh, this is totally company/industry based. I know plenty of girls that get free manicures or samples from their advertising or fashion companies. Everyone likes free food and booze. Boom. Culture complete. 


Tbqh, the reason that this inequality or inability to attract female employees in the workplace exists is that most women are too timid to negotiate salaries and benefits. A course should be given to "career-oriented" women on how to get the most out of your job offers and how to continue to grow (financially and professionally). Actually - that could be a million dollar idea, I'm gonna go timidly pitch it to a dominant female who can actually implement it.

Barbie's Got Some New Looks and I'm Not Sure What To Feel

Your favorite bitch on the block, Barbie has gotten some new, politically correct "friends."

Mattel has created the "Fashionista Line" that includes a wide array of ladies. They represent a number of body types & diversities, so let's take a look at the new gals in town.

First off, there is no way 16 girls would be able to all manage to successfully take a group picture together. Secondly, I find the pairings to be pretty fucking random. The only two that make sense to me are the girl in denim dress with the black girl & the top two good-two-shoes (yellow skirt, yellow necklace).There is no way the curvy, blue-haired girl and the successful-looking black woman would ever be hanging out. The Asian and the petite Latina lady? No way, no how, not ever. 

Because they are supposed to be "individuals" representing all different faces of beauty, they should be treated as such (or in duos/singles bc that's the only way I could find them)

Petite vs. Tall

 I have nothing really to say about Ms. Petite because her top knot is killing it and although I wouldn't wear that outfit, it matches and isn't heinous. Suzie Stilt-legs has got to be Jennifer Lawerence's twin right? I have serious arm envy of her & her faux-hawk is crushing it.

Original vs. Curvy

Not much to be said about the original. My only concern is that she hasn't realized that "bump-its" haven't been in since 2010. Curves is rocking her lady lumps, but the blue hair/purple sunglass combo has got to go. If you're gonna be obnoxious in your fashion statements, stick to one thing only please.

The Tall Ginge

Why anyone thought giving a girl this hair style is beyond me. Her coif is out of control. If I saw someone with this hair on the train, I'd hop off ASAP bc I'd be afraid of the number of squirrels living in it. Her outfit is OK, a little too matchy-matchy and she needs a better bra. Her boobs look saggy & I'm sure that top is not helping.

Small, Tan Girl

I'm not sure if this girl is supposed to be 12 or if she's truly reppin' all the petite ladies out there. Her hair/eye color combo is nice, but that dress looks like something I would've purchased at Weathervane.

Asian Lady

Mattel calls this girl "chic with a wink," which is a little offensive towards Azns. If this girl had two small buns & a middle part I'd be buying it more. All she needs is a Hello Kitty backpack and Gwen Stefani will cast her in "Harajuku Girls: Part 2."

So, I'm gonna go dig out my hot pink Barbie limo with the hot tub in the back and pretend I'm popping bottles cruising around Malibu. If you happen to run into the "fashionista" wearing capris, an Ed Hardy shirt, and clog heels, please take her to the nearest store and buy her a new outfit.

Craigslist Post: Girl Wants "Virtually Invisible" Housemate

Seeking room in quiet apartment with virtually invisible housemate
I'm a 38-year-old female with PTSD symptoms who writes a lot, is a homebody, and is in search of privacy, silence, and solitude in a living space that is up-to-code (I've found that that doesn't go without saying in Boston). I prefer to live alone, and have in the past, but can no longer afford to do so, and am therefore also seeking a neat, clean, mature housemate, preferably male, with a consistent, predictable schedule and needs like mine, with whom to share an apartment, condo, or upper floor of a house. I prefer to be on the top floor of the building because the sound of people living above me and the inability to see the sky from my window makes me feel claustrophobic.

Specifically, I'm looking for someone who is willing to commit to an approximate schedule for showering and preparing meals, so that we can avoid being in each other's way. Someone who never has guests. Someone who doesn't talk on the phone. Someone who agrees with me that if a door has a lock on it, it should remain closed and locked. And someone who's conscientious about energy usage -- who doesn't leave the heat turned up so high that I break a sweat when wearing a sweater in my room in January, and who doesn't turn it off altogether either. (I currently live in Allston, with one housemate who's an undergrad and another in his early twenties, who treat our ground-floor apartment like it's a barn. This includes walking around in dress shoes on our uncarpeted hardwood floors. The noise, grime, and chaos are affecting my health and productivity.) 

If you're rarely at home and fit the preceding description, we might work well together. If you're bothered by noise, such as people talking loudly on their cell phones, the clicking of keyboard keys, or chatter from a TV, and never have company, we'd probably make good housemates. If you prefer to come home from work and spend the evening relaxing in solitude and silence, and your ideal living situation is one in which you never see or hear your housemate, we'd probably be content living together.

Any location in greater Boston is acceptable, as long as it's within walking distance of a bus route or MBTA station.

While I like animals, I don't want to live with someone who has any pets because I don't want to get stuck cleaning up after or otherwise taking care of them.

If you're seeking a housemate and can relate to this ad, please contact me so we can arrange to meet and discuss a living arrangement.

There's nowhere to even begin with this Craigslist posting. While I give this chick credit for being extremely thorough, she is definitely a murderer. 
"In search of privacy, silence, and solitude in a living space that is up-to-code (I've found that doesn't go without saying in Boston). I prefer to live alone, and have in the past but can no longer afford to do so...."
Listen girl, there is no such thing as complete privacy, silence, and solitude in a place THAT YOU ARE LIVING WITH SOMEONE ELSE. If you can't afford to live alone, but want to live with someone who barely breathes.. Move the fuck in with someone like Helen Keller (although HK was kind of a needy bitch). 
An approximate schedule? Have you ever heard of "last minute plans" or "I need to make food quickly?" That is how the majority of people live their lives. Prefer a male (most likely so you can rape them)? Never has guests? Doesn't talk on the phone? Keeps the temp at *your* perfect temperature? Rarely home? 
How can someone "rarely be home," but doesn't have friends that he or she invites over? 
Her health and productivity is being affected by being around other humans? What type of job could this girl possibly do? Also, how boring/scary does her life sound? I'm picturing someone sitting in a dark room (to conserve energy) staring out the window in her room looking at the sky? 

God help whoever moves in with this lady and God help her current roomies (she definitely has voodoo dolls of them).


P.S. I really want to know what she looks like..

Aaron Carter Tries to Stay Relevant By Bashing The Biebs

According to this article from The Huffington Post, Aaron Carter is crying because Justin Bieber's lawyer's mentioned him. Aaron Carter needs to do a LITTLE more fact checking because Biebs' camp did not mention him at all.. the interviewer did. The interviewer asked "How did Justin Bieber not turn into Aaron Carter?" Rather than bashing Aaron, the interview goes on to credit Bieber's faith, family, friends, fans, and formula (his "5 f's"). He discusses how its hard for anyone to handle such a high level of fame at a young age and that Justin definitely has had his fuckboi moments. 

Aaron's response to the article is absurd. He is like "I even tweeted at Justin to tell him that his camp had to approve that question so obviously he knew it was gonna happen, be a man." Justin hasn't responded, most likely because he is too busy FaceTiming Miranda Kerr, texting/subtweeting Selena, and going through the millions of nudes in his DMs. A few months ago, I started following Aaron Carter on twitter when I read that he was having a major twitter meltdown a la Amanda Bynes. Then I started getting scared because he was tweeting back at people who were calling him out on being a mental midget. I was nervous he was going to show up to my doorstep in a pizza delivery uniform and try to shoot me up with heroin.

The Carter family has had their fair share of tragedies, but they are largely a white-trash family from Florida who caught a break because Nick joined BSB. BSB is also so desperate that they are constantly trying to go on tour. On the other hand, NSYNC does not have to do that because they have COMMON sense and realize that their glory days are over. Except for JC, his performance at the VMA's and Lance's wedding was pathetic/sad.. you're never going to be Justin Timberlake, babe, so stop trying. 

Back to Aaron. He's supposedly dropping a new album soon so I would not be surprised if his people actually paid the interviewer to ask that question so he could be in the news again. Aaron, please go back to buying crack at the Kwik Stop & let us all listen to "Aaron's Party" in peace.

Is Blac Chyna Using Rob Kardashian to Get Back at Kylie/Tyga?

I've said it multiple times, but Rob Kardashian's well-being has been more of a concern for me than my own for quite.some.time. Rumors started surfacing recently that he was dating Blac Chyna. My original thought was that he was dating:

The O.G. Chyna. I was slightly confused, but was kinda happy because her physique/toughness could be what Bobby needs to get back in shape. After a little more research (putting Blac in front of Chyna), I realized that we were talking about this Nicki Minaj looking bitch:

And guess what? This chick is Tyga's BABY MAMA and from a few google pics good friends with Amber Rose (Kanye's ex, Whiz's baby mama, professional rapper's girlfriend). Ummm this screams Kardashian sabotage louder than Blac Chyna's fake orgasms. Blac Chyna and Kylie have been rumored to have feuded in the past over their common denominator Tyga. Which tbh, if I'm ever fighting over someone named Tyga who has face tats and looks like Timon from The Lion King, please please please shoot me. I don't think the Amber Rose thing is really a factor since wanna-be famous hoes usually stick together. 

Anyway, Blac Chyna posted a non-discrete photo of her fat head rapped around a very tattoo'd arm captioned "the beginning." The tats have been compared/found to be the same as Rob's. Kylie is allegedly LIVID and so am I. Rob is vulnerable and this bitch is stepping in when he's at his weakest to give him bomb head and make him think that he is loved. If Rob had read my post about how to get himself better in 2016 than he most likely would not be starting a relationship with someone who is ultimately going to break his poor little heart and spiral him into an even deeper depression/food pantry.

P.S. I'm confused as to how they got together since Rob literally never leaves his house? I'm ashamed of Khloe because I would think she would have strict rules about not letting ratchets into her house.

Making a Murder - Guilty or Nah?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've already heard about or watched Making a Murderer on Netflix. The 10-episode docu-series came out right around the holidays, so it gave people plenty of time to binge watch and obsess over the fascinating trials of Steven Avery and his nephew, Brendan Dassey.

Quick Recap:

Steven Avery is a man from Manitowoc County in Wisconsin. His family owns a salvage yard and were for the most part outsiders in their town. In 1985, Stevie-boy was wrongfully arrested and convicted of the rape of a woman. He had had a few run-ins with the law and was known as a bit pervy around his parts. DNA evidence exonerated him EIGHTEEN (18) years after his conviction. Since Steven spent such a large part of his life in prison, serving time for a crime he did not commit, he decided to file a civil suit and sue the fuck out of Manitowoc County and the individuals who contributed to his conviction. 

While his $36 milli suit was pending, a woman named Theresa Halbach went missing and was murdered. Interestingly enough, the last appointment that she had on October 31, 2005 was to take some photos of a vehicle on the Avery property. According to phone records, Steven had called her multiple times using *67 (shoutout prank calling) on the day she went missing. Theresa had also reportedly told one of her coworkers that he gave her the creeps and made her uncomfortable. During the search for Theresa, her Rav-4 was found deep in the Avery lot. This immediately raised suspicions. Additionally, her charred remains were found (much later) in a burn pit on the property. More than four months after her death, a key to her vehicle was found in Steven's trailer. One of Steven's nephews, Brendan Dassey, admitted to police after hours of questioning that he had helped Steven rape, murder, and burn the body of Theresa Halbach. These factors gave law enforcement enough to arrest Steven for Theresa's disappearance and murder. 

The majority of Brendan's statement to police was recorded and it is evident that Brendan is not the brightest bulb in the bunch. Brendan is also arrested and charged with Theresa's murder. Steven & Brendan are both convicted separately on the charges and sentenced to life in prison. 

Fishy evidence, the belief that Brendan was coerced into his statement, and Steven's lawsuit against the County and its officials contribute to a number of people thinking that Steven & Brendan were framed. Steven has maintained his innocence since his conviction and has been fighting to get his conviction appealed. 

Did he/they do it?: 

I honestly do not think that Brendan had anything to do with the murder of Theresa Halbach. I think he was a feeble-minded 16 year old who wanted to say anything that would get him out of the police station and back to school to present his 6th period project. Brendan's conversations with his mother and police are almost heartbreaking to watch, but they are more than entertaining. 

As for Steven Avery, I do not think that they had enough evidence to prove "beyond reasonable doubt." A lot of the evidence used in the trial seemed shady. BUT with that being said, I think Steven Avery did murder Theresa Halbach. Steven was most likely fucked up in the head from being in prison for so long. He had been hanging with rapists, murderers, and other hard criminals for so long, that I think he no longer knew right from wrong. On top of that, Steven's girlfriend at the time, Jodie, was in the middle of serving a 7-month sentence for a DUI conviction. Steven was probably horny, realized Theresa was way better looking than Jodie, and found the opportunity to get her into his trailer and do horrible things to her. Steven's past of jerking off on his cousin's car and having sex on his front lawn do not do him any favors. Also, the below note from Steven to his former wife while he was originally in jail show a dark side of Steven that he tries to hide by being so dumb.

Normal people do not write shit like that. Bottom line - I think Steven did it but that it was not proved beyond reasonable doubt. I don't think Brendan had anything to do with it because he changed his statement so many times. 

Take-aways: 

-Manitowoc is definitely not a place I would have wanted to grow up in or ever want to visit. It seems poor, depressing, and makes me feel grateful as hell that I grew up in the Northeast where we know how to form coherent sentences and have a general idea of what hygiene is.

-What the fuck kind of person does not own ANY underwear!? In Steven's first case, his lawyer states that the victim of the rape stated that her assailant had on white underwear. According to the lawyer, this is deemed impossible because Steven does not own any underwear. Oh, and they proved this. They searched his house and found no underwear whatsoever. I get preferring not to wear underwear, but not owning any is straight up psychopath behavior.

-Brendan has the IQ of a rock. Really, that's being generous - a rock may have a higher IQ. Some of my favorite lines from Brendan:

Police Officer: Do you have any weapons on you?

Brendan: I mean, just my CD player.

Brendan (to his mom): Ma, they're saying my statements is inconsistent.. What does in-kon-siss-tent mean?

Mom: Well, I don't know.

Brendan: Do you think I can get (back to school) by 1:29? I have a project due in 6th period.

Just a few to show Brendan's naivety when it comes to telling police he just helped rape/murder a woman.

-If Steven Avery can find love, why can't I? I do not understand people who date people serving time in prison. If Steven has a biddy, I want a bae.

-Mike Halbach is annoying. The "spokesperson" for the Halbach family does nothing but suck the media's dick and make statements that he can't back up.

-Allen Avery (Steven's dad) has the greenest thumb of anyone I've ever seen. In the last episode, he's showing off his garden. That motherfucker has lettuce, cucumbers, asparagus, and literally every other vegetable/green that you can think of. Teach me your ways, Mr. Avery. Not really, but make a YouTube tutorial on how to grow things because I actually don't want to go anywhere near you. 

There is so much more to take away from this series. 

Anyways, watch it, kinda laugh, kinda feel uncomfortable, kinda cry.

The Stages of Group Texts

Group texts are one of the best things and worst things to come out of smartphones. They're a great way to keep in touch, but if you're not in the mood for them you want to stop being friends with all of your friends. 

Thoughts:

Initial thought, ugh I'm so popular, people won't stop blowing me up, it's hard being me, etc.

But when you come back from a meeting and see a million messages you first think: did somebody die? fuck, what did i do? then you look down and see that it's all from the same group of people and are like:

Guyyyys I'm busy, please shut the fuck up. My boss already thinks I do nothing and now when he hears my phone buzzing every .2 seconds he's gonna KNOW that I do nothing. I don't have time for this and I don't care about anything that you're saying! Exclude me please!! In comes the life-saving somehow just added feature

So clutch when you want to take a nap and the group text won't stop. Then you wake up and try to catch up and are like

Helllppppp! I'm drowning & whenever I scroll up far/fast enough somebody replies and I get sent right back to the bottom. I'm finally ready to contribute. Guys? I'm ready to contribute please think I'm funny and read what I'm writing... GuyysSss???